Taco Turmoil
by Jenna Awesome
Summary: What happens when you combine tacos, Final Fantasy VII characters, and the need for seconds? Taco Turmoil. :


Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 7: Crisis Core, Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children, any of its characters or affiliations, or Taco Bell, although I wish I did. And I would never want any of these characters to die, I was just having a bit of fun in a sea of boredom

The Final Fantasy 7 characters in…

TACO TURMOIL!!!!!

Hey Reno! Hurry up and get in the car!" Said Rude.

"Dammit, Rude! It's a ship!" Retorted Sid.

The 18 characters were on their way to Taco Bell for lunch on a hot, mid-July day. Tifa, Aerith, and Yuffie were all on the couch gossiping, while Denzel and Marlene were playing hide-and-seek all over the place. Vincent, Genesis, Sephiroth, and the Remnants were all at the mini-bar discussing different types of cell phones. Cloud, Zack, and Angeal were leaning against the railing of the balcony, anticipating their tacos. Sid was driving, and Reno and Rude were playing catch with a live frag grenade. Rufus Shinra was playing sudoku in the galley, all by his onesies. They pulled up to the window and ordered their tacos. They received their order and parked in a random, vacant lot. All 18 bodies packed into the galley to apprehend the tacos. "One for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, one for you, and one for you." The tacos were distributed and consumed within 30 seconds. One taco remained, sitting idly on the countertop. Everyone stared at it blankly, until Vincent tried to taco-nap it with his cape. Mission unsuccessful. He got slapped upside the head for his efforts.

"Uh…so who's getting the last taco?"

"I hereby nominate myself!" Exclaimed Reno.

"Shut up! I'm the cripple here!" Said Rufus.

"Exactly. Too much taco consumption is bad for someone in your…predicament."

"Oh, okay. Great. Makin' funnies about the dermatologically impaired, are we? That's low, even for you, Reno…low. Should I mention you're little excursion with that lovely lady in Mexico in 1998? What was his name? Was it Fabio?"

"Don't even bring that up! You know I was drugged!"

"Really? As I recall, you watched him put that paralysis-inducing capsule into your strawberry banana daiquiri."

"I was drugged then, too. But that drugging wasn't involuntary, if you catch my drift…heheheh…pixie sticks plus cocaine equals raaaave!"

"Are you making funnies about my incident with the Scandinavian woman?"

"Who, me? Couldn't be! Then who? Yeah I am. Is there a problem?"

"Hmm…YES THERE IS A PROBLEM!!!! THAT'S A VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC!"

"Jeez…sorry. But are you sensitive about…THIS?!?" Reno yanked the robe-toga-thingy Rufus was wearing to reveal…! Nothing! Rufus was wearing a casual suit and tie. And his hands, fingers, and wrists were splotched randomly with magic marker. "I can't believe this…YOU FAKED GEOSTIGMA???? YOU'RE A LIAR AND A VERY, VERY, SICK, sick little moo cow…" Reno's voice trailed off as an idea formed in his microcosmic brain. Unfortunately, the idea popped into Reno's head, looked around at the desolate, barren space, and died of a broken heart because it was lonely. Because of this sudden loss of thought, the leech-like black mamba attached to his brain was incredibly active and had the uncontrollable urge to engage in a game of racquetball with the nerve endings in Reno's brain that were connected to his arms. This caused Reno to slap Sephiroth across the face.

"Hey!!! Who did that???" Said Sephiroth, annoyed beyond reason. He glared at Reno suspiciously. "Uh…um…er…He did it!" Reno pointed at Yazoo, who was picking his nose. "Huh?" He said rather unintelligently. "Haaay…why you little-" Sephiroth slapped Yazoo suddenly. "Ouchies!" Yazoo slapped him back rather harshly. "I know your weakness, remnant."

"NOOOO! Not the Gay Eskimo Song! AAGH!" Sometimes, Sephiroth can be more devious and scheming than he looks, which is quite devious and scheming to begin with.

"Sorry, but I didn't know you even had a weakness until now. You lose."

"NOOOO! NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!!!" Yazoo shrieked.

"I'm the only gay eskimo….I'm the only one I know…I'm the only gay eskimowo….In my triiiiibe!!!!"

Yazoo exploded. No, seriously. Spontaneous human combustion. Boom.

"Dude…" Said Cloud and Aerith at the same time.

"Hey! Stop copying me!" They continued to speak in unison.

"Aerith is stupid."

"Cloud has never gotten laid."

"Aerith is a pedophile."

"Cloud has a thing for goats."

Cloud got annoyed and poked Aerith in one of her pressure points. She collapsed, and her body shrank and disappeared in her clothes. A frog crawled out of her pant leg and hopped off of the balcony. The awkward silence was interrupted by a soft thump, then continued. "Dood…I had no idea that Geostigma had that effect on people. Or was that my syphilis acting up again?" Said Cloud.

"Okay, so that's two people dead in less than five minutes. What the hell is this, Compton?!?" Said Genesis.

"Hey watch it! My momma's from Compton!" Said Sid.

"So do somethin' about it! My brother got shot 62 times on a school trip to Compton!"

"Boy! I'm gonna shove this here bow-staff-doohickey where the sun don't shine!"

"Go ahead and try." Said an overly-confident Genesis. Sid lunged at the SOLDIER and was easily disarmed and gagged by Genesis' charcoal-gray feathers. He died. While everyone was gawking at the feather-mouthed corpse, Sephiroth devilishly smashed a floor lamp on Loz's head. Ironic? I think so (Loz means light bulb in Japanese). Marlene ran over to the box and pulled out a few Jenova cells. She proceeded to throw them at Denzel, who then died of contusions in the brain. Angeal attempted to snap Vincent's neck, but was sucked up by Vincent's trench coat, and has recently been seen wandering the streets of Chihuahua, Mexico, repeatedly muttering the name 'Horace P. McTitties.

"I'm sure all of this violence is a bit much for a small child. Marlene, come hide in my awesome coat of mysteriousness and awesomosity." Said Vincent.

"Hellz to the NO! I just watched Angeal get sucked into who-knows-where. Screw you!" Said Marlene.

Vincent grabbed her and pulled her towards him. "Let me go, you stupid goatsucker!" She tried everything, from stabbing him in the kidney with a rusty wooden spoon, to kicking him in the nether regions. He was a vampire, after all, and most vampires are immune to physical pain (unless they're being ripped apart and burned). As a last resort, she tried to wiggle free and in the process, caused Vincent shriek like a three-year-old.

"Is someone ticklish?" She asked rhetorically.

"No…heeheehee stop it…STOP IT! NOOO!" Vincent went into cardiac arrest and died. Zack went to pick up the dropped cells, and, attempting to continue her killing spree, Marlene charged at him with Sid's bow staff. She was impaled rather brutally by Zack's pointy hair. Rude dodged a right hook thrown by Cloud and stepped into a rather strong ray of sunlight. This made a blinding beam of light that reflected off of Rude's head and into Zack's eyes. AAA! I'M BLIIIND!!!" He stumbled around the galley, for lack of a better word, blindly, then went over the railing. He landed on Aerith the frog. Reno ran over to the balcony to gawk and managed to step on a fallen packet of fire sauce, which burned through Rude's sunglasses like acid, and went into his eyes. He joined the pile of corpses in the parking lot. "Why is it that they immediately run in the direction of the balcony when they get blinded?" Asked Cloud.

Reno ran over to the balcony. "Holy cheese! Rude!" He looked at the pile of randomly prominent human parts and mush 60 feet down. "Eeeew…You guys! I just killed my bestest good buddy! Holy cheese!"

"Dude. Shut. Up." Said Kadaj arrogantly.

"You shut up! How would you feel if you got fire sauce in Yazoo's eyes and then he fell to his soupy death?"

"Ummm…he's already dead, so I wouldn't care that much. And besides, he always left the toilet seat up."

"Waaaah!" Reno carried on.

"Oh, stop whining. You're such a baby." Kadaj threw his cell phone at Reno. It hit him in the nose rather hard, and that caused a spear of cartilage to briefly but harshly shank Reno's brain. Death was instantaneous. The black mamba (aka Reno's braid in disguise), however, was still very much alive, and it slithered up to Tifa, dragging Reno behind it. Tifa was very much afraid of snakes, so when it bit her, the shock alone killed her. Rufus Shinra decided to make a kill, so he ran over Yuffie several times with his wheelchair, mutilating her. Kadaj secretly had a thing for Yuffie, so to avenge her murder, he shoved Shinra over the balcony. "Kadaj! You've killed like 34 people. You're gonna get a disease." Said Cloud.

"No I'm not!" Kadaj jumped at Cloud and Cloud grabbed the closest object he could find, which happened to be a cow-shaped squeaky toy. He shoved it down Kadaj's throat and ended his reign of taco-fueled terror.

"Hey Cloud! You just destroyed my soul."

"Really? I didn't know you had a soul."

"Yeah, neither did I until you gagged it to death. Now there's just empty space."

Sephiroth sniffled and cleared his throat.

"Are-are you crying?"

"NO!" Sephiroth wiped his eyes.

"Really…I find that just the tiniest bit not true."

Sephiroth burst into tears at that point.

"I need a hug!"

Cloud shuffled awkwardly toward the one-winged angel, smiling.

At the last moment, Sephiroth pulled out one of Sid's old gym socks and crammed it into Cloud's mouth. He died a horrible and unwashed, cottony death.

"Now it's just you, me, and the taco." Said an evil-sounding voice from behind.

"Genesis."

"Sephiroth."

"I'm walking out of here with that taco." Said Sephiroth.

"Dead, or alive?" Asked Genesis.

"Alive, obviously." Sephiroth's hand twitched.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that." Genesis grimaced.

"And how are you gonna stop me?"

"Remember all of those cities you destroyed? All of those innocent people, murdered by your hand? They didn't deserve that fate. You're a homicidal psycho headcase whackjob murderer. And you're older than your own father."

"No I'm not! He just looks younger! Stop it!"

"Oh, it appears that age is a highly sensitive topic for you. You're older than him. How freakishly messed up is that?"

"No I'm not! Stop it now! My father was a freak and a mutant!"

Suddenly, a distant voice said "No I'm not. You're grounded, old man."

"NOOO!" Shouted Sephiroth.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Genesis walked toward Sephiroth, and the emotionally weakened Sephiroth had no choice but to shuffle backwards, towards the balcony. Genesis kept moving forwards, and Sephiroth kept moving backwards, until he was up against the railing.

"Goodbye, Sephiroth. See you in hell." Said Genesis before sending his opponent over the rail and plummeting to his death. Genesis waltzed back to the blood-stained galley and victoriously snatched up the taco. He slowly unwrapped it and was about to devour it when a fly went into his mouth and triggered a gag reflex. He vomited on the taco.

"DAMN IT!!!"


End file.
